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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.